Her Psychology Today

I found this movie in a store in Manhattan that sells tons of DVDs for insanely cheap prices (this was $3). Unlike Rock Star, this wasn’t a whole lot of fun to watch, but it definitely had promise to me. The cast for this suggests a crazy-bad romantic comedy on a tight budget— this is a 2007 movie where Matthew Lillard, Anne Heche, and Cuba Gooding Jr. have major roles. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Pretty weird revelation, then, when me and my girlfriend realized that this movie is actually a one-scene (aka entirely set in Cuba Gooding Jr.’s apartment) play-style, monologue-packed piece of drivel. When a character started talking, they wouldn’t stop talking for up to 8 minutes at a time, essentially repeating the same statement slightly reworded with epithets shuffled around, Jerry McGuire-style.

The first act of the film is the “men” talking about all their romantic troubles; after their gay friend shows up, Matthew Lillard goes on an intense anti-homophobic rant that was almost mesmerizing in how blindingly hateful it was. The gay character then goes on the defensive before spending the rest of the movie basically embodying every ugly stereotype known to humanity. I have to imagine that Matthew Lillard (as well as Andrew Daly, who played the gay character as well as Principal Cutler in the first season of Eastbound and Down) thought to themselves at one point, “Jesus, why are we doing this?” If they didn’t, they are assholes.

The second act is the “women” talking in Cuba Gooding Jr.’s bathroom, mostly about sex and sex acts. No depth, what you see is what you get. They call each other sluts a lot, and Gina Gershon talks about fellatio a lot. We actually had to pause the movie at this point to see if we wanted to continue watching or just give the fuck up.

We stuck around for the third act, which was the men and women meeting and mingling and so forth. Sean Bean’s character is a “really nice guy” who basically treats women like they’re morons who don’t know how to use Wikipedia or something, so he talks a lot about random bullshit, which is somehow “enchanting” and “wonderful”. Matthew Lillard and Gina Gershon hook up. Cuba Gooding Jr. yells at Shiri Appleby (who was in Entourage, right? God, that fucking show, who needs it) and then proposes to his girlfriend or something. 

Also, there’s a weird “pole dance fantasy” sequence where all the women dance around in their underwear for the guys. It’s never explained and has no metaphorical intent whatsoever; it just exists, the same way this worthless waste of digital space of a film does.

The guy that wrote, directed, and starred in this movie, Mars Callahan, also was in the movie Clifford, which is hilarious and awesome. Also, the provided trivia for him on his IMDB page: “He is an accomplished pool player.” Nice.

This is an amazingly horrible film— even ignoring the fact that Jennifer Aniston his literally only three facial expressions that she is able to perform at any given moment (“Huh?”, “Mmhmm”, and “Ah”) and that Mark Wahlberg is not the best actor in the world either (sorry, folks), there’s so much to feast on here. The fact that it essentially makes a mockery of Rob Halford’s sexual orientation by playing to gay stereotypes is kind of disgusting; the fact that this movie also contains the most goofily dramatic multi-angle cut scene ever to depict someone FALLING DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS is sort of amazing. This is the kind of film that won’t let you win, no matter how you approach it. It’s almost impeccably built to make you angry about how you chose to spend your time.

Stephen Jenkins from Third Eye Blind plays the rival cover band lead singer, and he tries so hard that it makes you want to think he is the best actor in this film just for showing up. (He isn’t.) On the one hand, I’m not sure why Judas Priest wasn’t like “fuck it just make a movie out of us and we’ll collect royalties”, it’s not like this movie depicts some sordid notion of hair metal or anything— if anything it makes The Dirt look like Trumpeter of the motherfucking Swan. I’m sure someone over there took a look at the script though and made the motion that dealers make at blackjack tables when they’re switching shifts with someone else (note: I have not looked up if they were ever actually approached to have their name attached formally to the film, so this is pure unfiltered ignorance you’re dealing with here).

The guy who plays Glenn in The Wedding SInger is in this, and he plays an asshole, just like he did in The Wedding Singer. For this reason of consistency alone, he is the best actor in this film.

fuckinghellgillian:

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TYSON THURSDAY, MOTHERFUCKER

klaatu:

technohell:

shiroid:

shirtoid:

Three Cookie Monster Moon available at 80sTees

barthel:

tumblinerb:

It’s great that Kanye got a prog rock style cover for his prog rock-sampling single.

Oh man, this.

dayofthedreamweavers:

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fuckyeahstreetlights:

World Of Color at DCA

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